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[27 Jul 2004|01:10am] |
she fell to the floor
tripped on her shoelace
books flew up into the air
as her tightly folded arms
sprawled out from the jolt
she flew upwards
following the same route as her books
till she landed face first
on the cold, wet concrete
thud.
smack.
whatever sound face to concrete makes
its rather unimportant to the story anyways
as she lay there in shock
and stark humiliation
complete devistation
whatd they do?
to help the situation
they stood by
as there bodies shook
with laughter
to their hearts full content
shouting out hurtful remarks
yeah
thats how they helped the situation
its a sick sick world
when people feed off others humilition
to make them feel better
and nourish them with happiness
and feelings of joy
its a sick sick world
when being laughed at for tripping
will spiral a child into thoughts of madness
thoughts so strong
that it feeds them the strength
and motivation needed
to steal there daddys shotgun
and blow a fucking hole
straight up through there mouths
to the tops of there heads
there eyes roll back
as the collapse to the floor
in a puddle of blood
just so they dont have to hear
the laughs anymore
its a sick sick world
we live in a sick fucking world
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[27 Jul 2004|01:04am] |
i write when im unhappy. and right now im unhappy. what i write doesnt make sense. well at least not to you.
striving off pain
and bodily damage
self inflicted
self destruction
in direct corrilation
of a lack of reason to live
the light at the end of the tunnel
has just been extinguished
darkness surrounds
theres no going back
unmotivation
unhappiness
complete devistation
torn apart
torn to pieces
lifeless
yet still alive
the heart still beating
the lungs still inflating
still deflating
breath in
breath out
but embrace
the sharp sting
that accompanies
each new breath you take in
that shoots from your heart
in every which direction
from your head
to your toes
you wince in pain
till you realize
its still there
it will always be there
so you learn to embrace it
and stand tall
this is life
in its lowest of lows
this is what you've become
the lowest of lows
the scum of all scum
the thought that makes us all shutter
this is what you have become
now stand tall
and tell me
is it worth it?
why are u dying to survive?
when ur just surviving to die.
now tell me
is this really worth it?
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[22 Jul 2004|10:22am] |
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music |
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ashlee- pieces of me |
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so i havent updated for a while so ima make this short...
my birthday was good cept for the fact that i failed my driving test for driving into an oncoming traffic lane. i cried
i got a trampoline for my bday which i can no longer use for a while cause last night at karate i did a backflip and when i landed my ankle twisted back and i landed on my foot while it was bent backwards so i severly strained my achilles and all the tendons surrounding my ankle and im on viacidin and crutches. the doctor says itll be a while till i can walk on it again
SWEET!
im giong to sd this weekend
and dannys my new favorite person cause he got me the ashlee simpson cd for my bday
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[22 Jun 2004|11:24pm] |
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so the show was the most amazing thing of my life. ben harper is honestly amazing. im still in awe. and to top it all off i snagged a sweater after the show and saved myself 20 pounds. ya bitch...yeah
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[21 Jun 2004|07:03pm] |
so me and taymoor are going to a ben harper concert tomorrow night at the appolo in london. everyone should be extremel.y jealous. and our tickets are right by the stage.
suck it everyone
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[21 Jun 2004|01:54pm] |
k so england has been ok so far. yesterday me and taymoor went out with these 2 english girls all day and we took busses everywhere and went to this outdoor battle of the bands but it got rained out
so we ran to a bus stop for shleter and made friends with this drunk guy and talked to him for like 20 min while waiting for the bus and learnt his whole life story
then we went and walked around kingston and teddington and got lunch then went and saw mean girls
when we got home the parents were waiting and we all went out to din din at this italian restraunt on some famous road. then gino came and taymoor and gino went out last night all night.
now me and my mom are gunna go meet them at some lil touristy village with like virgin records and tower and fcuk and shit. im excited to buy stuff.
thats all
i miss jessie alot
and im kinda getting homesick already
o poo
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[19 Jun 2004|06:18pm] |
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im in england doods. ill prolly be online alot but my cell doesnt work here. fuck. o well. its all weird here i dont like it i just wanna go home.
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[16 Jun 2004|12:51am] |
my king
he told me i was his queen
which is ironic
cause i came home the next night
and he was fucking the brains out of some blond haired chick
what was i to do?
what would you do?
i strolled casually in
and asked who she was
in panics he started to lie
i told him it was alright and that i didnt blame him
i assured him i didnt care
and this would not hurt our relationship at all
to prove my nonchalance further
i gave him some hardcore sex
later that night as he slept
i stabbed him in the heart
and cut him open
and out of his intestines i made a crown
and i wore it happily
as i kissed his neck
and whispered in his ear
"and you are my king..."
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[16 Jun 2004|12:29am] |
brutal
i cant stand your scent
or your fake little smile
that makes me insides churn
and turn to poison and vile
i cant bear to look
at the way that you stand proud
or how your mouth never shuts
and your always so fucking loud
your clothes are poorly choosen
but you seem to think otherwise
cause you flaunt your chunky body
from your chin down to your thighs
hasnt anyone told you
to shed a little weight
then maybe you can stop lieing
about your imaginary date
your makeup is about as ugly
as a heep of fresh dog shit
and ill punch you in the face
if i hear another fit
cant you see your worthless
your not like all the rest
no matter how hard you try
you will always fail the test
so make your choice swiftly
will it be a knife or a rope
or a freshly loaded shotgun
or an overdose on dope
no one really cares
as long as you will die
i know this may be harsh
so cry fatty cry
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[15 Jun 2004|11:58pm] |
untitled #1
your ribs fail to provide
as your fall more and more apart
the shelter and care needed
for your broken and callused heart
eyedrops can no longer cure
your bloodshot, swollen eyes
bones jut out all over
your face, and arms and thighs
your fingers never cease to tremble
and you feel weak at the knees
any moment you could collapse
and surrender to this disease
another typical story
for youve given up the fight
i tried to convince them you'd make it
but all in all they were right
the pain has taken over
you've lost yourself in sorrow
bid your farewells soon
for you may be gone tomorrow
they say i should feel bad
and give to you whatever i can give
but all i can do now
is show you how to live
so hears my final plea
listen if you please
choose life instead
of feeding this disease
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[14 Jun 2004|11:56pm] |
not alone
when you've reached the point of breaking
and theres no where else to go
when starts this spiral of damnation
that never ceases to flow
when you cant bear to stand another moment
under the pressure bestowed upon your back
when everything becomes incoherant
and reality is thrown off track
when just one more tear would seem
to drown your sorrows away
when one more second of silence
will set your mind further astray
when you are surrounded by loved ones
but you feel all alone inside
when every single smiling face
makes your more inclined to hide
when pain no longer hurts
and happiness no longer pleases
when every word you speak
comes out in coughes and wheezes
when the sunlight burns
holes into your eyes
when your once peaceful dreams
are full off shriekes and cries
when youve given all
that you could possibly fathom giving
when the thought of death alone
seems more appealing then living
just know your not alone
as you may seem to think
in a pool of our own blood
together we shall sink
so grab your razors and knives
lets give cheers to our misrable lives
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[14 Jun 2004|11:13pm] |
NOT ALONE
when you've reached the point of breaking
and theres no where else to go
when starts this spiral of damnation
that never ceases to flow
when you cant bear to stand another moment
under the pressure bestowed upon your back
when everything becomes incoherant
and reality is thrown off track
when just one more tear would seem
to drown your sorrows away
when one more second of silence
will set your mind further astray
when you are surrounded by loved ones
but you feel all alone inside
when every single smiling face
makes your more inclined to hide
when pain no longer hurts
and happiness no longer pleases
when every word you speak
comes out in coughes and wheezes
when the sunlight burns
holes into your eyes
when your once peaceful dreams
are full off shriekes and cries
when youve given all
that you could possibly fathom giving
when the thought of death alone
seems more appealing then living
just know your not alone
as you may seem to think
in a pool of our own blood
together we shall sink
so grab your razors and knives
lets give cheers to our misrable lives
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[01 Jun 2004|12:12pm] |
alive
he walked into the apartment
and couldnt believe his eyes
the place was in shambles
like nothing he had ever seen before
he questioned its exsistance
for he seemed as if he had just walked into a realm
of distortion and chaos
the only source of light was a shadeless lamp
laying sideways in the corner
the floor was dressed in broken beer bottles
and questionable looking stains
sprinkled with dirty needles, and bloody razor blades
the walls were streaked with blood
mildly decorated in random tags
of no importance or signifigance
a useless mess of words
that arose from drunk spells and fury
the blinds hung askew from a single nail in teh wall
exposing the window
covered in a web of hairline cracks
centering from a tiny bullet hole
so clean cut, so sharp
from the ceiling hung a rope
and under the rope sat the remainder of a wooden chair
that had been torn to pieces
another failed attempt at an escape
in the center of the room
there was a single candle
burning ever so slowly
the wax dripped on the filthy white carpet
next to it lay a dead rose
and an old tattered diary
on the rugged brown leather cover
there was a message
written in blood
that read
"so alone"
never had words touched him so deeply
so simple, yet so compelling
they lured him in
he carefully walked towards it
kneeled down to the ground
and picked up the diary
he began to read
and as he read he felt something inside
something so foreign, yet so amazing
at that moment he had never felt so alive
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[29 May 2004|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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bummed |
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franz ferdinand- jacquelin |
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honestly i dont like life at all
todays shit:
-got in a fight with mom
-got hurt at karate and cried there for like the first time since i was 10, which sucks alot to me
-cutting another knuckle
-friends being assholes
and some other shit i cant mention on here
todays good shit:
-going out to lunch with my brother
-getting a good work out at karate
-making up with my mom
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[26 May 2004|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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kinda sleepy |
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music |
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ben harper- roses from my friends |
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yesterday caroline let me borrow "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", and i read i just finished it. it was really good. ona my favorites cept i hate how charlie says incedentally so much.
i didnt go to school today. i needed a day off to relax and shit. it was nice.
at karate justin spotted me for back handsprings. heres my plan: ive always known how to do front hand springs, i learnt front flips, now im gunna learn back hand springs then back flips :)
after karate i went to austins and we made cookies.
lifes been pretty good lately.
summer is looking so good right now. but these next few weeks are gunna suck. im pretty sure ill get over it though
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[19 May 2004|09:49pm] |
NOTHING
I PULLED UP
SAT WAITING IN MY CAR
AND WHEN I WAS DONE WAITING
I WAITED SOME MORE
WHAT WAS I WAITING FOR?
I WASNT QUITE SURE
MAYBE A SIGN?
SOMEWHERE
SOMEHOW
SOMETHING
TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
WHAT TO THINK
WHERE TO GO
ANYTHING?
NOTHING CAME
NO ONE CAME
I WAS ALONE
I WAS ALWAYS ALONE
I WAS A NOBODY
AND ALL OF THEM, THEY WERE SOMEBODIES
THEY HAD SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE
THAT WOULD CALL ONCE IN A WHILE
NOT FOR A FAVOR
OR TO MAKE PLANS
JUST TO TALK
THATS ALL I WANTED
WAS TO TALK
TO FEEL LIFE
JUST ONE LAST TIME
TO FEEL THE RUSH OF HUMAN EMOTION
FOR I WAS EMOTIONLESS
I WAS UNTOUCHABLE
MY COLD DIEING HEART, WAS UNTOUCHABLE
AND WITH EACH BREATH I TOOK IN
IT ONLY GREW COLDER
AND CONTINUED TO DIE
TO SHRIVLE
TO WITHER AWAY
SO I CEASED TO BREATH IN
I CEASED TO LIVE
I CEASED TO EXSIST
NOW I AM A NOTHING
I WAS FOREVER A NOTHING
BUT YOU...
YOU WERE
A SOMETHING
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE
A SOMETHING
SO KEEP BREATHING
KEEP LIVING
KEEP EXSISTING
BE WHAT I NEVER WAS
AND DO WHAT I NEVER DID
FOR YOU ARE
A SOMEBODY
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[15 May 2004|11:02pm] |
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nm i take that last comment back i definately like danny and kate. they rool
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[09 May 2004|12:28am] |
untitled
it was a warm summer day
towards the middle of june
school would be done in just a few days
I stood by my locker
waiting patiently for Tai
he always arrived 5 minuntes after me
as i stood there, i let my eyes wander freely from one kid to another
everyone was relativley happy and tan
after all school was nearly done for the summer
but as i peered amongst the smiling faces i saw HER
she was walking timidly in my direction
her arms crossed clutching her books tightly towards her chest
she stared down at the freshly cut grass, knocking into people left and right
but she didnt care
she was not like them
she was not like us
i dont know why or how
all i know is she was
DIFFERENT
i tried to ignore her pressence as best as i could
i stared down at the floor, praying she would walk right past me
without even having to look i felt her in front of me
i slowly inched my head up and allowed my eyes to meet hers
we stood for a few seconds, motionless
just glazing into each others marble like eyeballs
hers seemed to be magnified by her thick rimmed glasses which were poorly held together with a piece of white tape
she opened her mouth, as if to tell me something, but no words came out
she suddenly closed it, turned and walked swiftly away
i stood for a few minutes
not quite sure how to feel
or what to think
just kind of in a daze of mixed emotions
Tai clutched my shoulder
my body jolted, his hand brought me back to reality
"Chill man, lets go to class"
Tai's long blond hair was still wet, he had just got back from his morning surfing session.
"Shit man, the weirdest thing just happened..."
i began to retell my story to Tai as we strolled towards first period
suddenly i heard IT
Tai heard IT too
we all heard IT
the sharp crack of a gun shot
by instinct we dropped to the ground
i turned slowly towards the end of the hall
she hit the ground in perfect unison with the gun
her thud and the guns clank, rang over and over in my head
the wall was painted with her brains
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[08 May 2004|05:40pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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remembering never- closed caskets |
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Fate
He strolled carelessly down the street
barefoot as usual
his dark shaggy hair blanketed his face as he walked with his head tilted down
his eyes examened each crack on the roughly paved road
they reminded him of streets on a road map
he was dressed in his usual at attire:
skin tight jeans, torn at the knees and the butt exposing his plaid boxers
and a leather cuff strapped tightly to his right wrist
the sun beat down on his bare, boney back, but it didnt bother him
the warmth comforted him
and eased the knots coiled tightly inside his chest
he clutched firmly to the delicate white rose in his left hand.
his body suddenly jolted as he clumsly bumped into a large, poorly groomed man
sporting a flannel shirt and a trucker hat
"get the fuck out of my way"
the man belowed as he violently pushed the shirtless boy backwards
he stumbled back a few steps
in fear his grip loosened
the beautiful white rose fell softly to the floor
its perfection and purity destroyed in an instance
he peered down at the rose in silence
"guess it wasn't meant to be"
he said softly to himself as he turned his back and
walked away
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